As a mediator and conflict coach in New Mexico, I am often confronted with how to question my clients so as to best explore an issue or dispute “trigger.”
Conflict coach Woody Mosten frames it as getting to the “dangerous questions.” He calls them dangerous because they require lots of honesty, sensitivity, and a willingness to work through issues. They also require that you have already built up sufficient trust
to ask them, so can be a good “test” to assess that trust building. Here are some of his examples of dangerous questions in conflict coaching, beginning with some “build up” questions:
- What is the other person doing that you are most disturbed by?
- Why is it disturbing to you? [Woody observes that this is a ‘gateway question,” and it will usually be because they do not have the tools to deal with the behavior and/or because it triggers feelings they are uncomfortable with.]
- Why do you think he/she/they are doing this?
- What kind of relationship would you most like to have?
- Follow up: Why are those words important to you?
- What would you be willing to give in exchange for the kind of relationship you want?
- What judgments do you have about yourself that have influenced your behavior in this conflict?
- What judgments have you made in this conflict?
- What from this conflict/situation don’t you ever want to experience again?
- Who have you become as a result of this conflict?
- What words have you used to describe yourself, and where have you heard them? [Woody notes that the client will usually respond that he or she heard them with family, when growing up.]
- What price have you paid for this conflict?
- How have you benefited from this conflict?
- What other ways could there to have been to benefit in a constructive fashion?
- What is most troubling about this conflict?
- What have you done in this conflict to create what was most troubling?
- What is the thing you most wanted to hear from the other party?
- What is the acknowledgement you wanted from them?
- What will it take to ask for acknowledgment?
- What do you want most in the relationship with this other person?
- What one thing did you or they do that you are still unable or unwilling to forgive?
If it turns out that the client was not yet ready for any of these questions, because the coach had not yet built up the requisite trust, they present an excellent opportunity for you to model “complete and total apology,” and to show that you can "make mistakes also but still be useful." Ultimately, Woody proposes that through the use of such difficult questions we can move the client(s) beyond the cross roads at which they are stuck, and help them transform and even transcend the conflict.
If you are interested in mediation or conflict coaching services please contact Pilar Vaile, P.C. at (505) 247-0802 or info@pilarvailepc.com.
Source:
ACR Workplace Section, Conflict Coaching Committee, Sep,. 8, 2011 Teleseminar.
